Getting the Love You Want

About the Author

Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt are not just co-authors but also partners in life and love. Their collaboration has resulted in the birth of Imago Relationship Therapy, a groundbreaking approach that has transformed the landscape of couples counseling worldwide. Hendrix, with his deep roots in psychology, and Hunt, with her extensive background in social work and theology, have combined their expertise to create a guide that is both practical and profoundly insightful. Their personal journey, marred by challenges and triumphs, mirrors the very principles they advocate—a conscious, loving, and healing partnership.

Throughout their careers, they have committed themselves to helping couples understand the unconscious forces that drive their relationships. Their work is a testament to their belief that by uncovering these hidden dynamics, couples can transcend the conflicts that arise and build a partnership that not only survives but thrives.

Main Idea

"Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples" delves into the intricate dynamics of romantic relationships, exploring the unconscious forces that influence our choice of partners and the inevitable conflicts that arise. Hendrix and Hunt argue that we unconsciously seek partners who resemble our primary caregivers, hoping to resolve the unresolved issues from our childhood. This unconscious drive often leads to disappointment when our partners fail to meet these hidden expectations. However, the authors offer hope by providing tools and techniques that can transform these conflicts into opportunities for healing and growth.

Table of Contents

1. The Unconscious Forces Behind Love
2. The Imago: Your Unconscious Matchmaker
3. The Cycle of Romantic Relationships
4. Communication: The Path to Healing
5. Transforming Your Relationship
6. The Journey to Conscious Love

The Unconscious Forces Behind Love

At the heart of "Getting the Love You Want" lies the idea that our romantic relationships are profoundly influenced by the unconscious mind. Hendrix and Hunt propose that we are drawn to partners who mirror the characteristics of our childhood caregivers, for better or worse. This unconscious attraction is not just about finding someone who reminds us of our parents but about finding someone who can help us heal the wounds of our past.

The authors explain that as children, we develop a mental image of our caregivers, both their strengths and their flaws. This image, which Hendrix and Hunt call the "Imago," becomes the template for our ideal partner. We are unconsciously drawn to people who fit this template, believing that they will fulfill our unmet childhood needs.

"Our unconscious mind is on a mission to find someone who can give us what we didn't get as children and fix the wounds that were inflicted upon us." — Harville Hendrix

However, this unconscious drive often leads to disappointment. When our partners fail to meet our hidden expectations, we feel betrayed and hurt, not realizing that the true source of our pain lies in our unresolved childhood issues. The key to overcoming this disappointment, according to Hendrix and Hunt, is to bring these unconscious dynamics into our conscious awareness.

The Imago: Your Unconscious Matchmaker

The concept of the Imago is central to the authors' approach to relationships. The Imago is a composite image of all the positive and negative traits of our caregivers, and it influences whom we are attracted to as adults. This unconscious image drives us to seek out partners who can help us recreate and, ideally, resolve the conflicts and wounds of our childhood.