Mating in Captivity

About the Author

Esther Perel is a renowned couples therapist, celebrated for her nuanced understanding of the complex dynamics that define modern relationships. Born and raised in Antwerp, Belgium, Perel's upbringing was deeply influenced by her parents, both Holocaust survivors. This background instilled in her a profound awareness of human resilience and the intricacies of interpersonal connections. With a master's degree in expressive arts therapy from Lesley University and extensive training in family therapy, Perel has become a leading voice in exploring the tension between love and desire, particularly within the confines of long-term relationships. Her book, Mating in Captivity, has been a cornerstone in relationship literature, challenging conventional wisdom and offering fresh perspectives on how couples can maintain eroticism and intimacy in their lives.

Main Idea

Mating in Captivity delves into the paradoxical nature of desire within long-term relationships. While modern couples enjoy unprecedented sexual freedom, many find that passion wanes with time. The book explores the tension between the security and intimacy of domesticity and the unpredictability and excitement of erotic desire. Perel argues that while these elements may seem contradictory, it is possible to cultivate both by understanding the underlying dynamics of desire and approaching them with creativity and curiosity.

Table of Contents

• Introduction: The Paradox of Intimacy and Desire
• The Roots of Desire
• The Influence of Family and Upbringing
• The Role of Fantasy in Desire
• Desire in Long-Term Relationships
• Inherent Tensions: Domesticity vs. Eroticism
• External Forces Affecting Desire
• Rekindling the Flame: Strategies for Reigniting Passion
• Conclusion: Embracing the Complexity of Desire

Introduction: The Paradox of Intimacy and Desire

In Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel addresses a fundamental dilemma faced by many couples: How can we maintain desire in a long-term, committed relationship? The book opens by acknowledging a modern paradox—while we have more sexual freedom than any previous generation, couples are engaging in less sex. The comforts of domesticity, such as security and intimacy, often stifle the spontaneity and excitement necessary for desire. Perel suggests that to reconcile these opposing forces, we must understand the dynamics that shape our individual and collective sexual desires.

The Roots of Desire

Desire, as Perel explains, is a complex and multifaceted emotion shaped by various factors including upbringing, personality, and life experiences. From an early age, our families teach us how to express affection, handle intimacy, and perceive sexuality. These early lessons significantly impact our adult relationships and the way we experience desire.