Real Influence

About the Authors

Mark Goulston, M.D. is a business psychiatrist, consultant, chairman, and co-founder of Heartfelt Leadership. He is the author of the bestsellers Just Listen and Get Out of Your Own Way. Goulston also writes a syndicated career column for Tribune, blogs for Fast Company, Business Insider, Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, and frequently appears in major media including The Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, CNN, NPR, and Fox News.

John Ullmen, Ph.D. is an acclaimed executive coach whose clients include numerous leading international firms. He oversees Motivation-Rules.com, conducts popular feedback-based seminars on influence in organizations, and teaches at the UCLA Anderson School of Management.

Main Idea

Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In by Mark Goulston and John Ullmen delves into the concept of "connected influence" as a powerful means of achieving long-term success in relationships, careers, and personal endeavors. This book moves beyond traditional, manipulative tactics of influence and advocates for genuine, empathetic, and engaging communication strategies. The core message is that real influence is about forging strong connections by understanding others' viewpoints, giving before asking, and always striving for win-win outcomes. This approach not only helps in getting buy-in and agreement but also secures enduring loyalty.

Table of Contents

1. Introduction
2. The Problem: Why Are You Struggling to Influence People?
3. The Four Traps That "Disconnect" You
4. The Four Steps to Connecting and Influencing
5. Step #1: Go for Great Outcomes
6. Step #2: Listen Past Your Blind Spot
7. Step #3: Engage Them in Their There
8. Step #4: When You've Done Enough... Do More
9. Taking Real Influence to the Next Level

Introduction

The introduction sets the stage for the book by highlighting the shift from traditional "pushing" strategies of influence to a more connected, empathetic approach. Goulston and Ullmen argue that in a world saturated with manipulative tactics, true influence stems from building genuine connections. They emphasize that "real influence isn't even about what you want. It's about forging strong connections by focusing on other people's viewpoints and, quite simply, giving before asking for anything."

The Problem: Why Are You Struggling to Influence People?

The authors discuss the concept of "disconnected influence," which they describe as the outdated strategy of trying to get people to do what you want without considering their perspective. This approach often leads to resistance and a lack of genuine buy-in. Instead, the authors propose "connected influence," which requires understanding and aligning with the other person's viewpoint. They state, "When you view influence as 'getting people to do what I want,' you actually reduce your influence. That's because you're viewing the person you're trying to influence as a target, an object, something to be pushed or pulled."

The Four Traps That "Disconnect" You

Goulston and Ullmen identify four common traps that hinder effective influence:

• The Fight or Flight Response: Under stress, our brains can become disconnected, focusing on fear and anger rather than reason.
• The Habit Handicap: We often fall into familiar patterns of behavior, even when they are ineffective.
• Error Blindness: We can be blind to our mistakes, believing we are right even when we are not.
• The Double Curse of Knowledge: Knowing too much can make it difficult to see from another person's perspective.

These traps keep us stuck in "our here" and prevent us from moving to "their there," which is essential for genuine connection and influence.

The Four Steps to Connecting and Influencing

The authors outline a four-step model for achieving connected influence: