The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

About the Author

John M. Gottman, Ph.D., is a distinguished psychologist whose groundbreaking research on marriage and relationships has earned him worldwide recognition. With over four decades of extensive studies, he has become a leading authority in the science of marital stability and divorce prediction. Gottman’s innovative approach to understanding relationships involves a blend of rigorous scientific observation and practical application, making his work both respected and widely applicable.

In 1986, Gottman established the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington, where he observed couples interacting with each other to understand the dynamics that contribute to the success or failure of marriages. His research, which includes the study of thousands of couples, has led to the development of practical tools and techniques that couples can use to improve their relationships.

Gottman has authored or co-authored over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, many of which have become bestsellers. His work is not just theoretical; it is also highly actionable, offering couples concrete advice that can help them build stronger, more resilient relationships. His most famous work, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, co-authored with Nan Silver, distills his research findings into practical steps that couples can take to strengthen their marriages.

Main Idea

The central theme of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work revolves around the idea that the success of a marriage is not determined by how much a couple loves each other, but by how well they can navigate conflicts and maintain a deep friendship. Gottman’s research has shown that marriages that last and thrive are not free from conflict. Instead, they are characterized by a strong foundation of friendship, respect, and positive interactions that outweigh the negative ones.

Gottman identifies seven principles that he believes are essential for making a marriage work. These principles are rooted in the concept that couples must continually nurture their relationship by maintaining an emotional connection, handling conflicts effectively, and sharing a common purpose in life. Gottman’s principles are not just theoretical; they are practical strategies that couples can implement in their daily lives to strengthen their bond and ensure long-term happiness.

Table of Contents

• Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps
• Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
• Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
• Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
• Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems
• Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock
• Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning
• Conclusion

Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

The first principle in Gottman’s approach is to enhance your love maps. A love map is the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. This includes their likes, dislikes, fears, dreams, and personal history. According to Gottman, couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are more equipped to handle stress and conflict.

“Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. They have a richly detailed love map.” — John Gottman

Creating and updating your love map involves continuously learning about your partner and maintaining an active interest in their inner world. This principle is foundational because it helps couples stay connected on a deep emotional level, which is crucial for weathering the inevitable challenges that life brings.

To enhance your love maps, Gottman suggests regularly engaging in conversations that go beyond the superficial. Ask your partner open-ended questions about their day, their feelings, and their thoughts. The goal is to keep learning about each other, even after many years of being together.