Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

About the Author

Julie Smith is a clinical psychologist, online educator, and social media influencer. She launched her educational social media videos in 2020 to make mental health education accessible to all and now has a combined following of nearly four million people. With extensive clinical experience, Smith combines professional expertise and creativity to share practical tools and strategies for improving mental health in an approachable and applicable way.

Main Idea

In Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?, psychologist Julie Smith writes that people often mistakenly believe that to improve their mental health, they need to commit to long-term, in-depth therapy—a belief that prevents many from embarking on a wellness journey. Smith argues, however, that if people have some basic education about how their minds and bodies work, they'll be able to take control of their mental health themselves, without intensive help from a professional. She wrote this book to supply that education and to provide a practical guide of actionable advice and tools for coping with life's common challenges.

to come up spontaneously and allow yourself time and space to feel them. Then, give yourself a break by focusing on other things and doing activities that soothe the body and mind, like taking a bath, exercising, and listening to uplifting or calming music.

Grieving is a deeply personal process, but it’s also influenced by our culture. In some cultures, death is openly acknowledged and integrated into daily life, which can make the grieving process more straightforward and less isolating. For instance, the Torajan people of Indonesia keep the deceased in their homes for extended periods, allowing for a gradual and comfortable process of mourning. Understanding and accepting grief as a natural part of life, rather than something to be feared or avoided, can help us navigate it more healthily and effectively.

Quieting Your Inner Critic

Improving mental health significantly involves quieting the inner critic and cultivating self-acceptance. Smith recommends learning to tolerate negative feedback, building confidence, becoming comfortable with failure, and striving to love oneself unconditionally.

Handling Negative Feedback

Negative feedback can evoke strong feelings of shame and guilt. Building shame resilience helps us stay calm, assess feedback, and incorporate it if it aligns with our values without harming our sense of worthiness.

“Staying calm after receiving negative feedback allows you to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow.” — Julie Smith

Everyone experiences criticism and disapproval from others, so it’s important to build the skills to tolerate it. This doesn’t mean we should force ourselves not to care what others think. That would be an unrealistic goal, as we evolved as social animals—rejection threatened our survival for most of human history, so criticism can still bring up strong feelings.

When other people’s criticism focuses on something we did, we may feel guilt, prompting us to reflect and change our behavior. When criticism focuses on who we are, we feel shame.

“Shame is a painful experience, and the key to staying calm in the face of negative feedback is to build shame resilience.” — Julie Smith

To build shame resilience, Smith first recommends reflecting on what causes you shame the most—your appearance or intelligence, for example. If someone’s negative feedback hits you hard and you find yourself ruminating about it, try to interrupt the repetitive thoughts by redirecting your attention.